Cross my heart this happened to someone.
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.
  For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to  Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out.
  She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
  After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes.
  He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
  They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
  They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert.
  During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it.
  After a few minutes, the  rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
  Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise.
  "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).
Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
  He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside.
  He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant.
Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap.
  Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left.
  They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
  After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register.
  His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants.
  He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."
  "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:  "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store.
  They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car.
  Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.
  He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts.
  He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.
After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.





The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the small hen house in back of the parish manse.
  He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time he suspected cock fights were occurring in the village, he decided to do something about it the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
  All the women stood up.
"No no!" he said. "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No no!" he said " That still isn't what I meant! Has anybody seen my cock?"
  All the choir boys stood up.





This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"





A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs.,
  He was taken to the hospital where his skin had turned bright red, was painful and had started to blister.
  Anything that touched his legs caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in his condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."





  Two couples were playing cards one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
  When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!
  Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
  Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
  After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
  She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as Sue had promised.
  Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
  A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill with a satisfied look on his face surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
  He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."





An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this; first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.  We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then her armpit! She even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

  The old man replied, "Yep, and no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"





One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive  by.
  Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill, "What happened to her ?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law.  My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow  your dog ?"
The man replied, "Get in line."





For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
  So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your bedroom last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out.
  I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage, and no transportation.





A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog.
  The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now.
  Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"





c   An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
  It was so far out that there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
  The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
  "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"





The other day I went into the local religious book store, where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
  I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.
  What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed to green.
  That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could.
It was like a football game, with his shouting, "Go Jesus Christ Go."
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.
  There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach", and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air.
  I asked my two kids what that meant, they squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car and yelled something.
  I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "mother trucker" or mother from there.
  Maybe he was from Florida too.
 He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me.
  I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas.
  And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.
  I looked back at them standing there.
I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!





A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
  In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
  "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."





Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking
Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
"I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.
He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM.
And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner, marvelous dinner, lobster.
Then we go see a show.
let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Martha: "Goodness gracious!, so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress.