DRIVING TEST

You are driving on a 2 lane road which is marked "NO PASSING."
There is a bicycleist ahead of you and you must travel on the road for another 3 miles.
'You see that there are no cars approaching in the other lane.
Do you pass the bicycleist or stay behind for the next 3 miles?









Why take unnecessary chances?





A girl goes to the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?", asks the doctor.
"Oh my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we make love", she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
She replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, why do you ask?"





There were these three nuns that were killed in a traffic accident, and immediately sent to the Pearly Gates.
As St. Peter was looking over their files, he said, "You ladies have been very good, but before I can let you in, you have to answer a question."
So he asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man that God created?"
"Adam," she replied.
The lights started flashing, music started playing, the angels started singing, and then two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St.Peter asked the second nun, "What was the name of the name of the first woman that God created?"
"Eve," the nun said.
And the lights started and two angels came out and gave the nun her halo and wings, and off she went into the Pearly Gates.
Then St. Peter asked the third nun, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
The nun, clearly confused, started scratching her head, and replied, "Gee, that's a hard one."
And the lights started flashing, the music started playing......





There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends.
He would always come home very late.
One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I come home before my wife can say anything, I lay her down, remove her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep."
Then, I wash up and go to bed.
By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea.
So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.
His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep in the other bedroom tonight because my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."






There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday he preached, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him.
So they came up with a code word.
Instead of sayig they had committed adultery, they would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest, and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"






It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.
When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby.
So he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
  Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: ''Dad, it's called the twist!"






A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.,br> A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"






Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?''
But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.






Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now?"
"I realy want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
  Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me!
  So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
  Remember how that famous heart surgeon came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life!
  I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.
To do such a thing, you must really love me darling.
I couldn't be more moved.
  When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"






A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning.
His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes lazily to the chicken coop and cleans it.
When he is finished he he kicks a chicken.
Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow.
After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.
Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs.
Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry.
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple.
Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs.
I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk.
I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat.
The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"






When little Jimmy saw his mother baking a cake inthe kitchen he said; "I'm going up to my room to play for two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
  Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Jimmy exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
  Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Jimmy replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!"






Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm.
For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.
One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm.
Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around.
Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.
With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.
Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.
After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.
Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something!"
"If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!"






One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The daughter replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheels while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars.
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'
' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said,
''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."






The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put  on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Sally!"





A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with  a  magazine.
"What was that for?"  he  asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went  to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked,  "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."





A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a new driver's license and is told he must take an eye exam.
The examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C A J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish man replies, "I know the guy!"





The woman looked pretty hot for maybe her early fifty's.
She was drinking martini's and while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him: if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" a mother and daughter three-some.
He said no, but there was a good chance she might be able to talk him into one.
So she downed the last of her Martini, wiped her mouth off, and looking directly into his eyes, told him, "Tonight's your lucky night."
They went back to her place, she clicked on the light as they entered, offered him a drink, and started dropping her clothes.
Then she went over to the stairway and shouted upstairs, "Hey Mom! You still awake?"





Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."







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