True story!!!
  We had, a female news anchor.
  The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, she turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.





A pastor went ito a local bar to use the restroom.
The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.
  As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
  The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked.
  "I really need to use a restroom!"
  "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there, and she's covered by a fig leaf!"
  "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!
  He went to the bartender and said, "When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing.
  Then the room became absolutely quiet.
I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.
  Now, how about a drink?"





A kid comes home from college.
  His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the hay crop to fertilize it.
  The kid says, "Hey, Pop, I learned in college that there is an easier way to do everything."
They go into town and get some dynamite.
They're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the manure into the hay field.
  They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.
She lands in the hay field.
  They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you alright? Are you alright?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine.
  Phew! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that fart go in the kitchen!"





  A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
  He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
  So he asked his class,"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my Heart."
Little Adam, waving his hand furiously, blurtedout, "I know! I know!! He's in our Bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
  He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Adam how he knew this.
  And Little Adam said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"





Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his sister and boyfriend.
The following morning Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.


" 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he started kissing and hugging her.
I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse and felt her heart beat, just the way the doctor would.
Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch.
This was when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever, because 'Sis told him she felt really hot.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.
A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long.
Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When Sis saw it, she got really scared.
Her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen.
I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway, 'Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of jis pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight.
'Sis started groaning and squealing and her   boyfriend almost upset the couch.
I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel.
I knew because it just hung there, limp,   and some of its insides were hanging out.
'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they wen back to courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again.
By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped   straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats, they have nine   lives or something.
This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel.
this time, I knew it was dead for sure because I saw 'Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."





An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."





On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident.
While sitting outside Heavens gate waiting for St.Peter to do their intake, they begin to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
When St. Peter finally shows up, they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked.
Let me go find out, and he leaves.
The couple sit for 2 months wating for an answer.
While waiting, they discuss if they are allowed to get married, should they?
If it doesn't work they are stuck with each other for eternity.
  St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs them, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple,
"But we were just wondering, if things don't work out, could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter red faced with anger says, "Oh come on now, it took me 2 months to find a Priest up here, do you have any idea how long it's going to take finding a lawyer?"





A kindergarden class had an assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it o the rest of the class.
One little boy got up, went to the blackboard, and made a small white dot.
Puzzled, the teacher asked what it was.
"It's a period", said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."







Who Put The Dick On The Snowman?






A guy calls home and a strange woman answers.
"Who is this?'
This is the maid" she says.
"We don't have a maid" he says.
The maid says, "The lady of the house hired me this morning".
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309 ?"





A man sees a woman crying.
He goes to her, puts his arm arund her shoulder and asks what is wrong.
"Jerome is dead" she says.
He walks on and comes upon a woman crying hysterically staggering past him screamig "Jerome is dead".
Continuing along the road, Frank came upon a sickening sight: a big bear of a man lay on the road beneath the wheels of a truck.
The force of the impact had ripped the man's clothes off and, much to Frank's surprise, the man had a penis over a foot long.
There were several other women surrounding him screaming, "'Jerome is dead! Jerome is dead!"
Upon reaching his house, he said to his wife,
"Honey, you won't believe what i just saw. A man was lying in the road, stiff as a board -- and he had an endowment at least fourteen inches long."
"Oh my God", his wife said, "Jerome is dead!"





A little old lady from Iowa had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk.
There were hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or 50's), she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The rhyme began with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms, I can do this."
So she sent in her entry.
About a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house.
A man got out and came to her door, saying, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it."
This was her entry.

"Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul,
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch."





An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.
So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father.
She started to repay me with sexual favors."
   The priest said: "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people together under those circumstances are greatly tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"





Today my baby girl's 18th birthday.
I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
  So I call my baby girl, La Keesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me."
"And I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl she take the check over to her.
I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.
Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't her daddy"
"And tell her the expression on yo face."





A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. 
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he  meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and  asked,  "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied,  "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,  "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and  asked,  "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from  Domino's."





A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages."
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up.
So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.
"Hello." the woman says.
God she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic!"
"But for an outside line you need to press 9."





Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here,try these on'.
She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night we have had no problems.
"Hmmm," said Mike.
He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your smart attitude, you never will."