Three nuns were talking.
One said, "I found Playboy magazines under Father Smith's pillow while cleaning his room, and I burnt them:.
The nuns looked at each other and another one said, "That's nothing, I found a box of condoms in Father Smith's room".
"So I took a small nail and poked little holes in them".
Suddenly, the third nunjumped off her seat and screamed, "Oh my God, I have to go!"





Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
As Dave showed them to their room he thought, "What a lucky guy, nurses are known to be hot to tror."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one."
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning.
He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang.
It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock.
The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir?
"You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse.
All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast.
Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best.
The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock.
The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened?
"Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator."
All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock.
The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Dave asked, "What happened, did you have a fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher.
All I heard last night and today was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."





One day a hunter was walking through the woods and spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear.
So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear, saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief was so grateful that he invited him back to his camp for a hell of a bash for saving his life.
There was plenty of food,
Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness.
They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you."
"I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens."
"You look at all of them and chose one, she will be your wife."
With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens.
They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them.
The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless.
And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
''Why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts?'', the hunter asked the Chief.
''What, you've never heard of the INDIAN NIPPLE-LESS 500?"





Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."





A married man goes to confession and tells the Priest he almost had an afair with a woman.
"What do you mean almost?", the Priest said.
"Well, we both got undressed, and we rubbed together, then I stopped."
The Priest said,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in"
"I don't want you to go near that woman again."
"Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."
"I rubbed up against it."
"And you said that was the same as putting it in."





There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three daughters were ging on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred.
And it was his custom to greet each suitor at the door holding his shothun.
Not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?"
Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him





The commanding officer of the base was General Johnson, better known as "Fat Ass Johnson".
The motor pool received a telephone call.
"Sodier, what vehicles are ready for service?"
The sodier replied.
"2 jeeps, 4 halftracks, 1 tank, 3 armored personnel carriers, and "Fat Ass Johnson's" staff car.
"Soldier, do you know who you are talking to?"
"This is General Johnson."
"Sir, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No!!!"
"Good bye Fat Ass."





A Priest was hearing his first confession.
He listened carefully trying to determine a just penance for each sin.
"Father, I had oral sex" was the last sin confessed.
The Priest had no idea what penance to give for this sin.
"What should I give?" he thought.
  "I need advice".
He said "excuse me a minute" and went to call the Bishop for his advice on what penance to give.
"Your Excellemcy, this is Father Smith".
"What do you give for oral sex?".
The Bishop quckly replied.
"Fifty dollars".





The boy confessed to the Priest.
"Father, I had sex with a girl from the parish school".
"Was it Mary O' Neil?"
"No Father".
"Was it Jenny Smith?"
"No Father."
"Was it Katherine Jenkins?"
"No Father."
"Very well then, your penance is 20 Our Father's."
Upon leaving the boy was met by a friend.
"How did the confession go" he asked.
"Pretty good, the penance wasn't too bad, and I got 3 really good leads."





Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter.
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety, the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts please."





Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."





ANCIENT PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth!
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth.
Person who fart in church sit in own pew.





A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."
  The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
  The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I  tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?"
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
  The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"





Bill and Tim are quietly sittin' in a boat on a Minnesota lake, fishing and drinking beer, when suddenly Bill says;
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife."
"She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Tim sips his beer, thinks about this for a while and says;
"You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."





Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasantand say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought, well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day, let's go!"
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."
And I just sat there on the couch.

NAKED!