A guy walks into a bar one says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for the same drinks.
When the bartender asks what the problem is he gets this reply, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head and says, "Yeah, my wife!"






An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."






This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests.
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope.
He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... "Thanks, I'm out of here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc....
Ya gotta love this guy.





A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.
"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."
"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating."
She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.
"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."
"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating."
Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.
"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"
"Go ahead, Billy."
"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."






Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."






A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely.
Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun.
He hands the man the gun.
"Okay, here's what we do."
"I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down."
"When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."
"Great," says the man.
"But what's the gun for?"
"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog."






A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window.
Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there.
The husband called out and no one answered.
Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle."
"I am so grateful!."
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am."
"In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed.
The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year for life.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife."
"I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
And the genie said, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"






An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker.
The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"
He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability.
The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner and he makes a hole-in-one.
Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him, "What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"






Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath.
He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge.
Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.
Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season.
Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon.
Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it.
His mother says okay, and goes back to showering.
Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.
"What do you mean you found my sponge?
Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"






When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.
My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"






A man returned home from a business trip to find his son had a brand new $300 mountain bike.
"How did you get that son" he asked.
"By hiking" was his reply.
"hyking?" his dad said.
"Yeah, Mom's boss came over every night, gave me $25, and told me to take a hike"






A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and! lack of bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong."
"How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."





Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosey-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've Just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."





Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave,you picked up a real bitch this time."





A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road.
A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."





One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."





Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined tomake this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father, Good Morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?
"She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen!"