A typical macho man married typical good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules, any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."





A woman went to her priest with a problem.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing.
All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest.
"But I think I can help."
"Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible."
"My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.
The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.
The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"





Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model.
"Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris.
"We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model.
After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath.
Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris.
"Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model.
As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area.
Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life."
"But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris.
"But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."





The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked.
"Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me."
"I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed."
"Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor?"
"No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
"But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time."
"I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right."
"People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said.
"And for more than three hours too."
"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling."
"I could hardly concentrate."
"Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots."
"Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?"
"That's right."
"Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on."
"It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted."





A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."





The morning after the office Christmas party Jim awoke with a pounding headache, cotton mouthed, and unable to remember the events of the previous evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he came downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Were things as bad as I imagine they were last night", Jim said.
"Even worse", was his wife's reply.
"You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the corporation right to his face".
"He's an idiot" Jim said, "Piss on him".
"You did, and he fired you."
"Well, screw him", Jim said.
"I did, and you're back to work on Monday."






Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch.
She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks, just give me a few minutes, I'll be fine." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well yes that feels pretty good," he admits.
"But my thumb still hurts like hell!!!!!"





A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."
The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
  Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
   WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets  up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.
The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
  She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."





An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.
"The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God, "says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that."





A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for anyabrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."





Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about.
"Was he crazy or what?"
"No" said the Indian.
"It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Arkansas Gazette Newspaper read...
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN "





A father put his three year old daughter to bed, and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
When the grandpa died on the very next day, the father thought it was just a strange coincidence.
  A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
"My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could just get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt very safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and finally went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me."
"This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."





A young doctor had moved out to a small community  to replace the retiring country doctor.
The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his  rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
  At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
  The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.  Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
  As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"
  "I didn't have to."
"You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?"
"When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash."
"That was what was probably making her sick."
  "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever."
" I think I'll try that at the next house."
  Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
     "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
  "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
  As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
  "Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."