Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been abit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDSand we can't tell which is your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible!"
"Can we do the test over?"
Receptionist: "Normally, yes.
But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."






There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no.
He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.
THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.
She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"





A man and his wife were doing yard work.
The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill."
The wife, naturally, ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife.
While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side.
"Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill."
She again ignored his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel frisky.
He rolled over to initiate a play session when his wife calmly turned to him and said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little weiner, you're out of your mind."





Bill was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned Bill that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing.
He asked Bill for their best cough syrup.
Try as he might Bill could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as Bill said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask Bill what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," Bill explained.
"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will!" Bill said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough."





A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts".
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled,"Boo Nuts!!!"
They all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant the Doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until a vendor passed bt and jelled,
"PEANUTS!!!!!"





A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young lovely girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"





A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night.

All My Love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.





Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch.
She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is aphysical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good,"he admits.
"But my thumb still hurts like hell!!!">






An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors, Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock."
I was wondering if you were my son."





A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
  "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.





A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out oflife is four animals."
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."





A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."





A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.
He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."





Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" 
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"'
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."





A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station.
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records.
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.
In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief!"
Oh, that's fantastic that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!"
"Nobody here tells me shit."





The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She responded, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She said, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She answered, "Oh yes, Father, three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful!"
"And where might yer loving husband be?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."