INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE ON CELL PHONES


  I had to stand there and listen to her For two full hours while she talked on her cell phone!
How rude  can she be?
Disgusting to have people talk, talk, talk, and disturb others with their damn cell phones.
You would think they would know better!!!







Submitted by Dan Rosen






An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth."
"You've seen his progress."
"You've seen his wars."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did thewhite man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it."
"No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."





Gwen met Randy at a nightclub.
They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place.
When they arrvied at her house, they went right for the bedroom.
Randy noticed hunders of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room.
Giant stuffed animals sat on the top of the wardrobe.
Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill.
Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her book case.
After they had sex, Randy asked, "So.. how was it?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."





A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"





While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: "Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"
"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"





A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"





A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.
"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."





One morning, a man got on an elevator on the fourth floor which had a woman already in it.
The man looks at the woman and says, "You have the most beautiful hair!"
The woman, angrily gets out on the next floor and takes the stairs.
The next day the same man comes on the elevator on the fourth floor and sees the woman again.
"Your hair! It looks so smooth and silky!"
Furious, the woman gets off the next floor and decides again to take the stairs.
The day after that, the same man and woman end up on the elevator again.
"I just really have to say that your hair smells amazing!"
The woman looks at the man and at a lost for words, storms out of the elevator.
That day at the office she is appraoched by her boss who sees that she is distressed.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"This whole week, you have come to work late and very upset."
"Well every day a man, the same man, tells me on the elevator that my hair smells really good," the woman replies.
"What's wrong with that?" her boss inquires.
Which she yells, "He is a midget!"





A Woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
Little Boy says : Sure is dark in here.
Man says : Yes, it is.
Little Boy : I have a baseball.
Man : That's nice.
Little Boy : Want to buy it?
Man : No, thanks.
Little Boy : My dad's outside.
Man : OK, how much?
Little Boy : $100.00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Little Boy : Sure is dark in here.
Man : Yes, it is.
Little Boy : I have a baseball glove.
The lover remembering last time, asks the boy.
Man : How much?
Little Boy : $200.00
Man :  Fine.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove and let's go outside and have a game of catch."
  Little Boy : I can't, I sold my baseball and glove.
Father : How much did you sell them for?
Little Boy : $300.00
Father : That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those 2 things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
Little Boy : Sure is dark in here.
Priest : Don't you start that shit again.





  After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Heya, Luigi. Howa wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everathing wasa perfect, cepta for da traina ride down."
Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train ata Grand Centrala Station.
My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were lookina forward to da trip.
  All wasa OK until we gotta hungry and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductor came by, wagged hisa finger at us anda say, 'No eat in disa car. Musta usea dining car."
"So, mea and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga lunch, and begin to opena bottle of vino.
Da conductor come again, wag hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta usea da club car."
"So we go toa da club car. Whilea drinking vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductor, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokin ina disa car. You musta go to da smoker car."
"We go toa da smoker car and I smokea my cigar.
Later, my beautifula Virginia and me, we goa to da sleeper car anda go to bed.
We justa bout to havea sex and the conductor comesa througha da car yelling, "NOFOLKA, VIRGINIA!"
"Nexta time, I'ma gonna driva down!"





An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.
  They walk down the street to their old school.
There,they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
  On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it, so they take it home.
There, she counts the money and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says."We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers," and she puts the money back into the bag and hides it up in their attic.
  The next day, the FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking  for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
  She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
  But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
  The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here."





Four men went golfing one day.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership.
He's so successful that  he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a  stockbroker, and he's doing so well  that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is  gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well."
"His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."





A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay".
  He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear this conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
"Well," says theskipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big  crap, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner, then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying  to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear."
"He's gotta take a shit first."





Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
  At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."





The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!"
And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
> "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the >car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they >are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because " I don't have good taste".
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ,do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

I rest my case.....