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The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'M FANTASTIC IN BED!". That's Junk Mail. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Why It's Always Been Done This Way! The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first _rail lines_ were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad _tramways_, and that's the gauge they used. Why did _they_ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the _tramways_ used the same jigs and tools that they used for building _wagons_, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the _wheel ruts._ So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war _chariots_ formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. "And bureaucracies live forever." So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what _horse's ass_ came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit "fatter", but the SRBs had to be shipped by _train_ from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' asses. So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a _horse's ass!_ And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Profound Thoughts Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.' If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is----it's you. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue? Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- |