She asked, "Would you like some food?"

The Scot hoarsely croaked, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. After he choked it down, she asked, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She went off into the woods again and returned with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman began to think that he was in heaven when the unclad nymphet leaned closer and asked, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the Marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces."

The Air Force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged.

"Well," the sergeant went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?"

The Air Force commander putted out, and angrily he said, "Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the Air Force are the bravest men."

This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.

After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?"

The Air Force commander retorted, "Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course, is a much braver man than myself!"

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented. She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. "But," he told them, "you're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights. He'll stop and go just as the light directs."

So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all, and took off for the golf course. An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said, 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!' When we got off to look, the beast took off when the light turned green."

And so they hit off with their imaginary balls. After hitting eagles, pars, birdies and keeping down the middle, they reach the 17th hole.

The first golfer indicates because they are equal in their score, he should hit first, so he hits off with his imaginary ball. "Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green."

The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball.

The first guy lines up and putts. "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win."

The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my damn ball."

One of the golfers asked the old man, "What the hell is going on?"

The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer asked, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy replied, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

"Done," said the genie and disappeared.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his size. Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the genie.

"Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?"

"And what might that be?" asked the genie.

"Could you make my legs longer?"

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"

The next day his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."

Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%. Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said.

"You're right, I look down, and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute."

When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet. "Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked.

"I don't know," he replied. "I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back!"

  They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.

Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a Golden Retriever ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

He said, "How bad is it doc?... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next, she takes off her panties and reveals the golden fruit. She says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."

Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies,... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1.00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off.

Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed.

The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire."

"What's wrong with my attire, sir?" she asked.

"Well - - it's - - your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed.

"What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously.

"Well - - it's not exactly your blouse - - you're not wearing a bra, and your blouse is open - - and your right breast is exposed," he stammered.

The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!!!"

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Ole, putting air in his tire, greets him in a typical Scandinavian manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is. "Top o' da morning to you, young fella!"

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are dem tings, son?" asks Ole.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would dey be for, den?" inquires Ole.

"They're for resting my balls on while I am driving" says Tiger.

"Jaysus", says Ole, "Dem engineers at Volvo just tink of everything!"

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf any more," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He breaks his stance, lowers his driver back to the ground and shouts, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?"

Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme! Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."

His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"

Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "What happened?"

Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my God, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."

He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What the hell took ya so long ? You're over two hours late."

"Hey ! Give me a break." whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."

"I played a round of golf. I hit two of my best balls," he replied.

"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.

"Well, uhhh, I stepped on a rake."

She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

One day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy, you guys are a couple of wimps! I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"

They both look at him and asked how he managed that.

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy. When I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She threw me a sweater and said, 'Take this, it might get chilly out there!'"