Tidbits From My Mailbox

(some funny, some sad, some inspirational)


Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
  The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

Oh! You didn't get one either?

An Angel wrote: Many people will walk in and out or your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head, To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it's his fault. If he betrays you twice, it's your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into it's nest. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it. Friends, you and me ... you brought another friend...and then there were 3 ... we started our group... Our circle of friends ... and like the circle ... there's no beginning ... there is no end. Keep this going. E-mail all your friends this message. E-mail all those friends you never met. Those you have..................... And those you've lost along the way.


An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

OLDER PEOPLE ARE NOT EASILY FOOLED         "John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, Mom couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. She wondered if there was more going on than met the eye. John told her, 'I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional'.         "A week later, the housekeeper told John, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' So John sent his mother a letter that read, 'Dear Mother: I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.'         "Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that said, 'Dear son: I'm not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you don't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.'"

THINGS TO PONDER.....

1. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
2. If and orange is called an orange, why isn't and apple called a red (or Yellow)?
3. Why do panties come in a pair, but you only get one bra?
4. What do you pack styrofoam in?
5. If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
6. If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the pan?
7. If buttered toast always lands buttered side up, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped buttered toast to the back of a cat?


KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to our mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age13
Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11


A true story out of San Francisco...............
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


Subject: Ah, NUTS!
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys with buckets sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. The nuts were so plentiful, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to listen more closely. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you..." All of a sudden, it came to him. He knew what it was. "Oh my!" he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could peddle until he saw an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" the boy cried. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls!" The old man yelled, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" But the boy would not leave. After several minutes and lots of pleas, the old man finally agreed to go with the boy to the cemetery. He hobbled along slowly and painfully until they finally arrived. All of a sudden he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's go see if we can get a peek at the 'Devil' himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anyone. Then they heard, "One for me, one for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That's all! Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

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