Tidbits From My Mailbox
(some funny, some sad, some inspirational)
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their
fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And,
it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the
evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and
sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told
God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better
send down a male angel; to get both points of view. So God
called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When
the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes,
the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God
said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that
were good and encourage them, a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
Oh! You didn't get one either?
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out or your life, but only
true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head,
To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone
betrays you once, it's his fault. If he betrays you twice,
it's your fault. Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
God Gives every bird it's food,
but He does not throw it into it's nest.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful
old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. The
tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can
hold it. Friends, you and me ... you brought another
friend...and then there were 3 ... we started our group...
Our circle of friends ... and like the circle ... there's
no beginning ... there is no end. Keep this going. E-mail
all your friends this message. E-mail all those friends you
never met.
Those you have.....................
And those you've lost along the way.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't
know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled
between them into a small room. The walls closed and the
boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then as these numbers
began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again
and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."
OLDER PEOPLE ARE NOT EASILY FOOLED
"John invited his mother over for dinner. During
the meal, Mom couldn't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was. She wondered if there was more
going on than met the eye. John told her, 'I know what you
must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you, my relationship
with my housekeeper is purely professional'.
"A week later, the housekeeper told John, 'Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find
the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?' So John sent his mother a letter that
read, 'Dear Mother: I'm not saying you did take a gravy
ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.'
"Several days later, John received a letter from
his mother that said, 'Dear son: I'm not saying you sleep
with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you don't. But the
fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.'"
THINGS TO PONDER.....
1. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
2. If and orange is called an orange, why isn't and apple
called a red (or Yellow)?
3. Why do panties come in a pair, but you only get one
bra?
4. What do you pack styrofoam in?
5. If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come
from?
6. If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the
pan?
7. If buttered toast always lands buttered side up, and
cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you
strapped buttered toast to the back of a cat?
KIDS' LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching. Andrew,
Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7
Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower. Lamar,
Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars
when your
parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11
Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age
14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
bat. Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to our mom when
she's on the
phone.
Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom
told you to do.
Hank, Age 12
Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey,
Age 7
Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age13
Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8
Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and
grandma's
house.
Joanne, Age 11
A true story out of San Francisco...............
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the branch
and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to
the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested
the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.
Subject: Ah, NUTS!
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day
two boys with
buckets sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said
one boy. The
nuts were so plentiful, several rolled out towards the
fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third
boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed
down to
listen more closely. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me,
one for you..." All of a sudden, it came to him. He knew
what it
was.
"Oh my!" he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing
the souls at
the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could
peddle until
he saw an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" the boy cried. "You won't believe what I
heard! Satan and
St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls!" The
old man yelled, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding
it hard
to walk as it is!" But the boy would not leave. After
several minutes
and lots of pleas, the old man finally agreed to go with
the boy to the
cemetery. He hobbled along slowly and painfully until they
finally
arrived. All of a sudden he heard, "One for you, one for
me, one for
you, one..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth!
Let's go see
if we can get a peek at the 'Devil' himself." Shivering
with fear, they
edged toward the fence, still unable to see anyone. Then
they heard,
"One for me, one for you, one for me, and one last one for
you. That's all! Now let's go get those nuts by the fence,
and we'll
be done." They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes
before the
boy!
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