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RELOAD/REFRESH HERE You may need to reload the page to get the latest update. The Baby Photographer The Smiths were unable to conceive children,and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, the man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I've come to......" "Oh, no need to explain. Come in," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! My speciality is babies". "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" Photographer - "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!" Wife - "Bathtub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." Photographer - "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." Wife - "My, my, that's a lot of action" Photographer - "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." Wife (muttering)- "Don't I know it." The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." Wife - "Oh my god!!" Photographer - "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." Wife - "She was difficult ?" Photographer -"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." Wife - "Four and five deep?" (eyes widened in amazement). Photographer - "Yes, and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in. " Wife (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your eerrrm..........equipment?" Photographer -"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work" Wife - "Tripod??" Photographer - "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam?......Madam.....? Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Little Johnny at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." THE TOP FIVE SMART-ASS ANSWERS OF THE YEAR Smart-Ass Answer #5: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead." Smart-Ass Answer #4: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah? Well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart-Ass Answer #3: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars quickly become backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No. I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas. Smart-Ass Answer #2: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-Ass Answer #1: (The Smart-Ass Answer Of The Year) A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it---no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Donald and Daisy Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No". Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condums. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?" Decisions! A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and observes to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. "REMEMBER"  "Oklahoma City" ~~ 04-19-95 ... "New York" ~~ 09-11-2001 ... "The Hurricanes" ... "The Forest Fires" ... "The Earthquakes" ... But also REMEMBER those that cared enough to help ... "Firefighters" ... "Police" ... "Redcross" ... "Salvation Army" ... and "The Average Joe's" who gave their time, money, and other donations to those in distress.  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